Dear Amber and Megan,
I don't know if you remember our conversation on Sunday, but I do. I was so encouraged by it, and how adamantly you stood up for righteous principles to Datsun [name changed], and demanded he treat the girls he dates with respects.
I was deeply impressed by your commitment to values. I think it's a wonderful commitment. And I was thrilled by it, because, in talking to Datsun, I was starting to get the impression that no one your age had any commitment to any kind of standards. It's sickening to hear how so many have forsaken those standards for a few moments of foolish fun. It's a gross habit to try to live outside the standards of the church.
So, it was a great relief to see how committed you two are to keeping yourselves pure and treating yourselves with honor.
Seriously, it's a way cool thing to do for yourselves. I think you're both wonderful girls and both of you have awesome lives ahead of you, if you continue to respect the standards of the church.
Anyhow, that got me thinking about dating, and here is my little guide that I hope will help you out.
Norm’s Guide to Dating
THE NORM PRINCIPLE: In order to win the heart of someone great, you must first be someone great.
Norm’s Rule #1: If you’re going to kiss a boy, make him earn it.
Don’t be one of these girls who seek opportunities to make out with boys. In other words, don’t go around trying to find a different boy to kiss each night. Girls who do this are sending this message: “I’m not worth having; any run-of-the-mill guy can have me; I’m not holding out for someone special.”
Hold out for someone special because you are someone special. Don’t be just another hashmark in some guy’s kissing tally. Make your kisses mean something. Make the guy earn the right to kiss you. By being extra-selective about who you kiss, you are honoring yourself and your future husband.
It’s like this. I talked with some friends recently who claim to have kissed 300 girls in their lifetime. And it ticked me off. So I e-mailed a couple of my friends about it to see if I was just being a prude or if I should really be upset about this.
This is what my friend, Camilla, wrote:
“300 is far too many!! I don't even know if it's possible; can he name them all? I like your tally [mine stands at two] much more. Dustin [her husband] has only kissed 2 girls, and I'm his second. I was the first girl he ever told that he loved her; those are the kind of things you'll be glad you can tell your wife instead of ‘You're number 311.’”
I think that’s wise advice. And you can also see what Dustin’s low tally means to his wife; keep yours that low and it will mean something to your husband. No one wants a girl who has kissed hundreds of guys. Keep your tally low, so that kissing you is a special experience reserved for a select few! Don’t sell out the privilege of kissing you to someone who has not earned that right.
With that in mind …
NORM RULE #2: Don’t kiss on the first date.
He should at least have bought you dinner twice before you even considering kissing him. And don’t misread this. I’m not saying kiss the guy on the second date every time. You can feel free to make him wait longer. Just make him earn it.
All I’m saying is after one date, a guy hasn’t earned that right to kiss you. So don’t let him.
NORM RULE #3: Let your parents know about your date.
Your parents should (1) meet every boy you date, (2) know what you’re going to do on you’re date, and (3) know when you’ll be home.
I like a little parable that Elder Boyd K. Packer made on this point, that goes something like this:
Say your parents gave you a Ferrari. Wouldn’t that be awesome? Can you imagine the fun you’d have zooming around town in that? Surely, it would be an attention-getter and a prized possession.
But what if one day, you came home and your Ferrari wasn’t there, and you asked your parents where it was. And your dad said, “Oh, I lent it to one of the kids down the street.”
“Who?” you would demand.
“Oh, I don’t know his name, but he drops by here occasionally.”
Wouldn’t you be appalled that your dad lent the Ferrari to some guy he barely knows? Wouldn’t you be worried that this guy would crash the car or mistreat it in some way? Worse, what if he kept, and didn’t bring it back when he said he would?
Now look at it this way. You are a prized possession of your parents. When they “lend” you out to some guy for a date, they’re going to want to meet him. They’re going to want to know what you’re doing. They’re going to want to know when you’re going to be back.
They have a right to expect that, and you should allow them that right. And, also, you should take their advice if they tell you that someone isn’t right for you, or if they impose a curfew. Don’t argue over these points; parents can see and understanding things better than you can.
NORM RULE #4: Only date someone who can be trusted with you.
I just remember when Spain went on his mission, and he left his little instructions to his girlfriend Mallory on who she could date. One of them was don’t date anyone who’s not a virgin.
That’s solid advice. Only date young men who do not have a history of making mistakes with girls. If you can’t trust a guy to behave, then don’t be around him.
NORM RULE #5: Only date someone who respects you and enjoys your company.
If a guy ignores who you are as a person and focuses only on what you look like, then he’s just simply not worth dating. If he can’t see what a great person you are, if he doesn’t take an interest in discovering what makes you tick and finding out what you like and don’t like, etc., then he’s not worth the time.
Dating is the method by which we choose a companion. So it’s good to set an early habit, that you’ll only seriously consider those boys who like you not just for what you look like, but for who you are. That second component is of more importance because you’ll want your companion to love every aspect of you. If he just loves looking at you, then he’ll quit loving you, when you’re looks fade later in life. But if he loves you the person, he’ll still love you after the looks fade, and he’ll still find you attractive.
Well, that convoluted paragraph leads to this point: A guy who can see the wonderfulness in you as a person simply isn’t worth dating.
You need demand that your man loves every bit of you.
NORM RULE #6: No serious dating until you’re out of high school.
Going back to the dating is the method by which we choose a companion idea, you shouldn’t get serious with a guy until you’re old enough to start making a decision like marriage.
And that means you have to be out of high school.
High school is a time to have fun and hang out; it’s not a time to be getting serious with anyone. So instead of dating just one guy, date lots of them, and just enjoy being in high school.
NORM RULE #7: Any guy who asks you out, deserves at least one date.
Exception: See Rule #4.
For some guys, it’s easy to ask girls out. For others, like me, it’s extremely difficult. To be fair and to encourage the guys in the latter category, accept every first date offer. Then, if you’re not interested, you can turn down their offer for a second date.
But by just being kind enough to accept every first date offer, you’ll build the confidence of even the shiest fellow and help him have the courage to ask out the next girl he’s interested in.
Accepting such invitations is just a wonderful consideration. Because let me tell you: when I’ve spent days working up the courage to ask out a girl, and she says no, it’s a worlds-are-collapsing catastrophe.
NORM RULE #8: Keep The Temple in Sight
Ultimately, you're goal is to be to married for time and all eternity in the temple of our God to a young man you love.
Keep that goal in mind with your dating. Keep yourself and those you date on target for a temple marriage.
Encourage the young men you date to go on missions. Don't do anything with them that might prevent them from going on those missions or prevent you from entering the temple.
Keep the standards of the church. You'll always be glad that you did. You'll always regret when you've deviated from those standards.
