Sometimes, when reading the scriptures, one of the best things we can do is to tap on the brakes and consider things from the point of view of the people in the scriptures. Let’s do that with two verses in the first chapter of Matthew, verses 18 and 19:
“Now the birth of Jesus Christ was on this wise: When as his mother Mary was espoused to Joseph, before they came together, she was found with child of the Holy Ghost.
“Then Joseph her husband, being a just man, and not willing to make her a publick example, was minded to put her away privily.”
For the next few minutes, I want you to consider this situation from Joseph’s point of view. First, Joseph is in love—and not just with any girl. He was in love with a girl of surpassing beauty, probably the prettiest girl in all of Nazareth. Nephi writes of Mary that “she was exceedingly fair and white” (1 Nephi 11:13) and that she was “most beautiful and fair above all other virgins” (1 Nephi 11:15). (Just a sidenote: I’ve always wonder how Nephi’s wife feels about him writing all this.) Mary was a high-quality person and is rightfully viewed as the paragon of womanhood. Alma tells us that she was “a precious and chosen vessel” (Alma 7:10). Of her, Bruce R. McConkie wrote, “As there is only one Christ, so there is only one Mary. And as the Father chose the most noble and righteous of all his spirit sons to come into mortality as his Only Begotten in the flesh, so we may confidently conclude that he selected the most worthy and spiritually talented of all his spirit daughters to be the mortal mother of his Eternal Son.” This wonderful, beautiful woman belonged to Joseph. He loved her. Little is known about Joseph and his circumstances. I can only imagine that many days, as the mounds of sawdust piled up at his feet from his latest carpentry project, his thoughts must have turned to Mary.
He probably spent considerable time daydreaming what life would be like with his new bride. Life for a peasant carpenter in ancient Israel likely had its struggles, but Mary would better his life considerably. Can you just imagine how excited and how thrilled he must have been to have all this happening? The love of his life, his dreamgirl, loved him. All he had worked for—all he hoped for—was going to be. Can you imagine his joy? During the time of their engagement, Mary left for three months to visit her cousin, Elisabeth, so you can imagine how excited he must have been when she returned.
And you can imagine how dismayed he must have been when she returned noticeably pregnant. What must Joseph have thought? Of this, Elder James E. Talmage wrote, “When Joseph greeted his promised bride after her three months' absence, he was greatly distressed over the indications of her prospective maternity.” One LDS scholar writes: “If ever a man had the right to come to an erroneous conclusion, it was Joseph. After all, there was only one possible explanation for the condition in which he found his espoused.” Now, think about this, put yourself in Joseph’s shoes. Your espoused wife is pregnant, and you know the child can’t be yours. How would you feel? Can’t you see him going from true love to complete heartbreak. Can’t you just see his dreams dissolving? Can’t you just feel his heart breaking? Can’t you just imagine how he must have felt like the world had just collapsed on him and smothered his sunshine? Really, how would you feel, if you were Joseph? Wouldn’t you have felt betrayed? Wouldn’t you have felt like your happiness had been stolen from you? Can you imagine the hurt he must felt? Wouldn’t you be upset? Wouldn’t you be bitter?
It is not known how long it was between the time Joseph found out that Mary was pregnant and the time the angel appeared to Joseph. But we do know, that in between, “he thought on these things” (Matthew 1:20). I would guess that those were some tormented nights. I’ll bet Joseph cried himself to sleep. I would have.
It would have been easy for Joseph to give into the feelings of resentment and bitterness and let those feelings fester into outright hatred for Mary. It would have been easy, but it wouldn’t have been right. Joseph had loved her—he had genuinely loved her. And he still did. He had some options because he was espoused to her. What is espousal? Elder Bruce R. McConkie explains it this way: “According to Jewish law, marriage took place in two steps, first came the espousal or betrothal, later the formal marriage ceremony. Both formalities preceded assumption of the full privileges and responsibilities of the marital state. In a sense, espoused persons were viewed as already married, so that the angel in counseling Joseph to fulfill his marriage plans properly referred to Mary as his ‘wife.’ (v. 20) Espoused persons were considered bound to each other so that their betrothal could only be broken by a formal action akin to divorce. This is what Joseph had contemplated prior to receiving direction from the angelic visitant.” (Doctrinal New Testament Commentary, 1:83).
Another LDS Scholar gives us this explanation: “[An espousal was] a formal contract of marriage. The contract was not completed in full until the performance of a second ceremony. At that time they could then begin living together as husband and wife. She was considered by law to be the wife of Joseph. The contract could only be broken by a formal ‘bill of divorcement.’ Any infidelity on the part of one espoused would be classed as adultery and subject to death under the laws of Moses” (Bill Beardall). So he had that option. Death was the fiercest punishment but the more probable option appears to have been to “made the divorcement public knowledge, and Mary would have been subject to great gossip” (Bill Beardall).
But he couldn’t do that to her. He still loved her, and he still wanted to treat her with respect, so he decides he will end his relationship with her in the most dignified manner possible. “Joseph's plan was to put Mary away privately. To give her a letter of divorcement in the presence of two witnesses … as allowed by the law” (Bill Beardall). Of Joseph’s decision, James E. Talmage writes, “Now the Jewish law provided for the annulment of a betrothal in either of two ways—by public trial and judgment, or by private agreement attested by a written document signed in the presence of witnesses. Joseph was a just man, a strict observer of the law, yet no harsh extremist; moreover he loved Mary and would save her all unnecessary humiliation, whatever might be his own sorrow and suffering. For Mary's sake he dreaded the thought of publicity; and therefore determined to have the espousal annulled with such privacy as the law allowed.” One LDS scholar says, “His love for Mary was greater than his own pride.” That’s true. But more than that, his love for was greater than his own hurt.
He put her well-being ahead of his own pain; he wanted to make the breakup as dignified as he could to help her save face. It’s human nature when someone hurts us, to try and hurt them back. But Joseph yielded not to that natural man temptation. He could have subjected her to name calling and public taunts. He could have irreparably injured her reputation. But he knew she didn’t deserve that; no woman does, no matter what she’s done. Rather, he decided to treat her with honor. Matthew calls Joseph a “just man”—in considering, his decision at this bleakest moment of his life, don’t you agree that he was, indeed, a “just man?”
So he makes this decision to put her dignity and her honor and her good name ahead of his own pride and his hurt. Then, the angel appears. Can you imagine how thrilled he must have been when the angel appeared—and her story checked out? Can you imagine Mary’s thrill—for she likely had spent considerable time fretting over “What will Joseph think?” This was a real test for both of them. But Joseph came through—and, as his reward, Heavenly Father gave him one of his best. Mary’s child was the Christ child. Mary’s Son was God’s Only Begotten Son. Thirty-three years later, in a Garden and on the Cross, He paid the terrible price of the Atonement. He gave His life for all mankind, including Mary and Joseph. Through the sacrifice of Mary’s Son, Joseph’s proven love for Mary was made eternal. As for them, so it is for all of us. For, by Christ’s redemption are families made eternal. Think about that: Christ’s infinite love for us makes our love for each other eternal!
I really marvel at the love and honor Joseph displayed for Mary. Where lesser men would have cruelly ridiculed Mary, he treated her with all love he could summon. In consideration of his story and his circumstances, one must conclude that his humble carpenter was truly a great man of God. Of him, it has been said, “He must have been much like the Lord himself, for he was Jesus' earthly example of manhood” (Beardall). Of Joseph’s decision to honor—not hurt—Mary, one LDS scholar writes: “He seems to have known Mary well enough and loved enough not to act precipitously.” And then this scholar adds an important question in which lies a great lesson we can take from
Joseph’s story. The scholar writes, “Please note ... what Joseph did before he acted in this matter. ‘He thought on these things.’ Have you ever been injured or injured others because you acted too quickly?”
What if Joseph had acted rashly? He was in a position where he could have really hurt Mary. Again, a lesser man would have. But what if he had charged in, made charges, called her names and had her publicly humiliated? Would Mary have ever recovered? Would he really have been better off? While it’s true that the Jewish law permitted such behavior, the laws of God do not ever give anyone any cause to ridicule someone in such a manner—in particular, God asks his priesthood bearers to treat women with the utmost respect. Here, was Joseph—Jesus’ example of manhood—and he treated Mary with honor. That’s what a man does.
Said Elder D. Todd Christofferson, “In large measure, true manhood is defined in our relationship to women.” God’s definition of manhood is how well a man treats God’s daughters. Said President Thomas S. Monson: “Men, take care not to make women weep, for God counts their tears.”
Joseph’s example serves an important lesson—for both guys and girls—on how they should treat each other in a dating relationship. These relationships are emotionally-charged. As such, when in a romantic relationship, we have the potential each do great harm to the person who we are dating, but we also have the possibility of treating them in such a way that it builds them up. True disciples of Christ seek to build everyone around them. Conversely, those who are not his disciples behave in ways that injure others.
You and I have both seen disastrous dating relationships. You and I have both seen friends suffer serious emotional pain because the person they were dating acted selfishly or maliciously towards them—and caused them undue hurt. You probably have, like I have, seen a friend cry because your friend’s “significant other” made a cruel comment, or this “significant other” did something that made your friend feel devalued, humiliated and unloved. In such situations, you see how downright devastating such comments and actions can be—and you always wish your friend was with someone who treated him or her better. You can’t control your friends. You certainly can’t control those whom they choose to date. But you can control yourself. For those of us, who seek to be disciples of the Lord Jesus Christ, we must never allow ourselves to be that kind of person who inflicts such harm on those we date. We must be different! We must be thoughtful—and give careful consideration to how our words and actions will affect our partner’s self-worth. We must always treat them like we want them to treat us.
You and I have also seen relationships done right—we have seen our friends grow and increase in self-confidence because of the way the person they were dating treated them. Every relationship is going to have its struggles.
Even Zack Morris and Kelly Kapowski had their ups-and-downs. The important thing is that we, like Joseph, treat those we date with respect—no matter what. Our actions toward those we date should be such that we do not become an obstacle between them and the temple. We should ensure that we don’t become an impediment to their true happiness. Even when the relationship sours, we we want them to be better off for having dated us.
There’s two simple ways to make sure this happens: First, live the standards you have been taught and, second, live by the Golden Rule. If the relationship should falter, another consideration should be given to how you handle the break-up. My advice is “Don’t Burn a Bridge.” The person you’ve been dating has genuinely cared for you; and now they’re just going to care for you in a different way. I know that’s not true in all cases, but it is true in most. I have found that some of the best friends and the best advisors I’ve had in life are girls I’ve dated. They’ve hung out with me, and they know me. They’ve become a valuable resource as time has gone on, and I really treasure their friendship. So I would advise you to do everything you can to salvage that friendship. That’s not always possible, and, in some cases, it might be wise to not go forward as friends, but if you can remain friends, it’s really to your benefit.
Finally, I want to spend a few minutes talking about heartbreak and how to deal with it, as I think it is one of the toughest things people our age go through. My worst experience in this category came about five or six years ago. Soon after my mission, I began dating a girl who I just loved. And we dated about a year. In every way, she was my dream: she was smart, she was funny, she was a great person, and she was really pretty—none of my friends could believe she was with me. And I couldn’t believe it either. We had some really serious talks about getting married—and I definitely wanted to. But, then one night, she told she had to talk with me. She told me she had been reading her scriptures when she got her answer—and it was that I was not the one for her.
That was not a fun experience. When I said earlier that I would have cried myself to sleep if I was in Joseph’s position, it’s because when I did find myself in a similar position to Joseph’s, I did cry myself to sleep. Many times. But I am so grateful that I went through that experience because I learned so much from that time. First of all, I know that as much as heartbreak hurts, it really is for our good. As Lehi told Jacob: “For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things” (2 Nephi 2:11). The heartbreak we suffer in dating will make us appreciate the love we find in marriage even more. I really think it’s a good thing to have your heart broken at least once in your life. Because I know what it’s like to have my heart really broken, I know that when eternal love comes my way, I will treat my wife better than I would have otherwise.
Because I know what it means to have loved-and-lost, I will treasure an everlasting love even more. Having experienced the bitter, I will better appreciate the sweet (D&C 29:39).
The other thing I learned in this period of my life was just how much I can depend on my Savior. I want to read from Psalms 147:3: “[Christ] healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds.” I testify that Christ can heal the broken-hearted. I know that in my darkest hours He has been there for me; and I know that in your darkest hours, He will be there for you. I testify that “He was a man of sorrows, acquainted with grief” (Isa. 53:3)—which sorrows and grief he freely welcomed and experienced so that He can help us in our times of trouble. Of this, the great prophet Alma prophesied: “[Christ] will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities” (Alma 7:12). Whatever trial, disappointment or sorrow we may experience, Christ has experienced Himself. Thus, He knows better than anyone else what you are going through and how to get through it. The wisest thing you can do in a time of trouble or any other time is to come unto Christ and put your trust in Him.
I really love Joseph’s story. I think he stands as an example of what a true man is and how we should conduct ourselves, even through the difficult hours of heartbreak. In the early part of Jesus’ ministry, he preached in Nazareth. They rejected him, saying foolishly, “Is not this the carpenter’s son?” (Matt 13:5). This nearsighted response is foolish on two counts: (1) Jesus wasn’t Joseph’s son; He was the son of God, and (2) Joseph was more than just a carpenter—he was one of the greatest men who lived. A man from whose example we can learn much. By taking this time to examine two short verses about him in the Book of Matthew, we have learned how a man of Christ treats the woman he loves, and we’ve learned why it’s important that, when making important decisions, we don’t act rashly, but take the time to think, ponder and pray before we make a weighty decision.
