A few years ago, I attended the missionary farewell of my friend, Rachael. The chapel was full of the many friends that Rachael had acquired over the years. She had been a great friend. The kind of friend you want to have. And many had had that blessing of being her friend. And I guess that’s why her farewell talk, given to a chapel filled with her friends was such a surprise and so memorable. She told us that when she was just starting middle school, she didn’t have any friends. And she prayed every night that Heavenly Father would just give her a friend. Months passed, and still she didn’t have any friends. She felt very lonely. She worried she’d never have a friend. But then, one night, she received an impression, “If you want to have a friend, you first have to be a friend.” So Rachael changed. Instead of holding back, she became the kind of friend she wanted to have—kind, outgoing, approachable, etc. The many friends she had at the time of her farewell spoke as to how well Rachael followed that impression.
I think there are so many who, at one time or another, face that same situation. I certainly have been blessed to know many days when I was surrounded by friends. But I have likewise endured days where I felt lonely and friendless and prayed, like Rachael prayed, that I would have a friend reach out to me. The Golden Rule, as taught by the Savior tells us: “All things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them” (3 Nephi 14:12, see also Matthew 7:12). Apply that to friendship, and we get this, The Golden Rule of Friendship: Be the kind of friend you want to have.
Of all the people who need to hear that message, I am probably the one who needs to hear it the most. I am one who enjoys being reached out to, but I hesitate to reach out to others.
Let me demonstrate this with a story. It was my first day at SUU last August. I felt very out of place. On the drive up, I quickly and effectively convinced myself that I wouldn’t make any friends there. As I drove into Cedar, I felt so inadequate. I felt so dumb. And I felt like no one would like me. I so convinced myself that I would flunk out of SUU in a matter of weeks, that I came up with a plan that would ensure none of my classmates would be able to remember my name once I flunked out. My plan was simple: I wouldn’t talk to anyone.
So I planned things just right. I arrived at the classroom just as the class started, and seated myself alone at a table, away from everyone. I was so relieved that no one was sitting by me. That relief lasted all of two minutes. That’s when a latecomer straggled in, walked over to my table, put his motorcycle helmet on the table and sat down.
I was really mad that this guy had invaded my space and cost me the buffer zone I had won through my cunning.
“Oh, great!” thought I, “now, I am stuck, sitting at the table with, of all people, a motorcycle rider.”
The class lasted three hours, and it goes on and on and on. But halfway through the class period, we take a 10-minute break. So, as soon as we take the break, I dart out into the hall and begin wandering aimlessly. I go to the drinking fountain. It was water unfit for a third-world country. It tasted like dirt. And I think it was dirt. So I wandered around mindlessly for a few minutes before I absent-mindedly tried to the drinking fountain again. Big mistake! I realized that if I didn’t sit down, I would keep drinking from the dirt. Not wanting to inhale a quart of dirt, I decided I should return to the room and sit down.
Well, the motorcycle rider was still there. I really didn’t want to talk to him because motorcycle riders always have ego issues. But I realized I now had no choice. So I introduced myself and we started talking. Long story short we became good friends; in fact, he became my best friend in the program, and I really have enjoyed working with him on numerous projects and presentations.
About six months after we first met, Robert, the motorcycle rider, and I were in a class where the professor sat the whole class in a circle. Then, we went around the circle, saying what we enjoyed or admired about the other people in the class. Eventually, it was Robert’s turn to say something nice to me. He listed off a few attributes, and then, he said, “The thing I remember about Steve is that first day of class. I was sitting there and I felt so inadequate. I felt so dumb. And I felt like no one would like me. But then Steve started talking to me and helped me to relax and realize that everything was going to be OK.”
In other words, the same anxieties I had that first day were the same anxieties Robert had. I had misjudged him. I had thought him to be some egomaniac biker, but really he is one of the nicest guys there is. And like me, he just needed someone that day to reach out to him.
And even though I still struggle to reach out to people, I am glad that on that one day, at least, I was the kind of friend I want to have.
Said Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin: “It's easy to find excuses for not reaching out to others, but I imagine they will sound as hollow to our Heavenly Father as the elementary school boy who gave his teacher a note asking that he be excused from school March 30th through the 34th.” One of things we can learn from my experience that Robert is that just because someone rides a motorcycle, it’s no reason for us to not be their friend.
I am so grateful for the friends who have reached out to me when I needed it most. Like most people, I don’t advertise when I’m feeling lonely. And like most people, I just hope and pray someone will reach out to me. There’s a certain friend to whom I am indebted, for whenever I have such feelings, it’s just as if the Spirit moves him to reach out and include me in whatever he is doing that day. And that friend is the great Jeremy Schudde, who, ironically, rides a motorcycle. So I guess the moral of this is that bikers make the best friends.
A couple stories about how Schudde has, without knowing it, reached out to me when I most needed a friend. The first happened a couple years ago. I had in consecutive weeks: a friend’s farewell, work, and a nephew getting blessed that kept me away from our ward for three straight weeks. A couple days after I missed going to our ward for the third consecutive week, I just sighed to myself, and said, “You know what? I bet no one even noticed I was gone.” Well, less than an hour later, Schudde pulled up to my house, and said, “I haven’t seen you at church for a while. Every thing OK?” I said, “yup.” And then he said, “Let’s go to Arby’s.” And I’m always down for food. Anyhow, I was grateful that Schudde reached out to me, and I was grateful that my Heavenly Father blessed me with a friend who was watching out for me and making sure that I was walking the strait-and-narrow.
That’s what a true friend is: Someone who makes living the gospel easier.
Said Elder Jeffrey R. Holland: “Real friends share the gospel—the living of it and the loving of it. No stronger bond nor higher compliment can be given from one friend to another.”
Another insight comes from Elder Neal A. Maxwell: “Friends who would hold us back spiritually are not true friends at all.”
And to paraphrase President Wade W. Vest: “We should seek friends who help point us toward the temple.”
Those are some good standards for what a friend is. Taking those three quotes from Elder Holland, Elder Maxwell and President Vest, I think we could reduce those philosophies to this statement: “The Spirit should be able to abide with us when we are with our friends.” I think that’s a good standard. And if the Spirit can’t be with us when we are with our friends, well, then something needs to change. Again, friends should make living the gospel easier.
More recently, I really needed a friend because the friends I had spent the last eight months hanging out with—friends like the Finlinsons, Stanton and my friends from SUU—scattered when school ended. It was a bit of a shock to the system to so suddenly be left without those friends. I had nothing to do, and no one to hang out with. That first week was really discouraging. And, at the end of it, I went to Bishop Shepherd, and I said, “Bishop. I don’t where all my friends went.” And the bishop gave me some counsel, which I think is very wise, so I’ll share it with you in a minute, but he also gave me a blessing that I would find friends to hang out with. That blessing was answered. And who do you think answered it? My friend, Jeremy Schudde, who with us trademark inclusiveness began inviting me more and more to join him in whatever he was doing. That initial loneliness I felt dissipated quickly. And I’m very fortunate to have Jeremy as a friend.
By being so quick to be a friend, Jeremy is really fulfilling his baptismal covenant, part of which requires us to be “Willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light; Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort” (Mosiah 18:8-9) I am fortunate that the loneliness I experienced was short-lived. Not everyone is as lucky. Indeed, everyone, including the strongest among us, needs someone to reach out to them.
Another quote from Elder Wirthlin: President Gordon B. Hinckley has said that those who reach out to lift and serve others "will come to know a happiness . . . never known before. . . . Heaven knows there are so very, very, very many people in this world who need help. Oh, so very . . . many. Let's get the cankering, selfish attitude out of our lives, my brothers and sisters, and stand a little taller and reach a little higher in the service of others.”
Selfishness undercuts brotherhood. When we get overly focused on ourselves and our desires, we can miss out on another’s needs. Now, I promised you I would share with you the advise Bishop Shepherd gave me, when I went to talk to him about my friendlessness. And this was the advice: Serve others. In essence, Bishop Shepherd was encouraging me to be the kind of friend I wanted to have. I wanted to be reached out to. Bishop Shepherd was encouraging me to be the one reaching out. Said Elder Derek A. Cuthbert: "Fear of loneliness includes fear of not having anyone to talk to, or being without help in time of need. These fears can be conquered by reaching out and giving service to others, becoming outward-looking instead of inward-looking. In order to have a friend, we must be a friend."
Let me repeat that last line: "In order to have a friend, we must be a friend."
Essentially, Elder Cuthbert is saying many are waiting to have someone reach out to them. But Elder Cuthbert is also saying that instead of waiting for someone to reach out to us, we should reach out to them. I think there are many in this ward who need someone to reach out to them and to befriend them. That’s why … home teaching is so important. The most important thing a home teacher can be to his home teachees is to be their friend. In fact, I’d saying being called to be someone’s home teacher is a call to be someone’s friend. I really enjoy home teaching because of the people I get to meet, and the friends I’ve been fortunate enough to make. Some of the people I’ve home taught over the years have become my best friends. Home teaching is such a neat program because it really is that call to reach out and befriend.
I think that one of the biggest reasons people stay home on Sundays is that they don’t feel welcome at church; they don’t feel like anyone will notice them or talk to them or befriend them. For some, walking through those doors and into church may be a daunting task. That task could be made easier if they knew that, on the other side of those doors, is a friend. I think we would all be well-served if we each set a goal to reach out to someone at church, and each week, meet and befriend someone new. Likewise, we could say the same thing about our activities—where we have the chance to interact and to meet the people in the ward. I think the sum act of each of us resolving to befriend our fellow ward members could make a real difference. I was in a ward once where I’d go to church and come home and hardly talk to anyone. And, you know what, it was tough to go to church. And I was relieved when I was out of the ward and into a more-friendly ward.
But, you know, I shouldn’t throw a pity party for myself because I wasn’t reaching out in that ward either. And if I had, I probably would have had plenty of people talking to me. Of the things I read yesterday on reaching out, that seemed to be a common theme: Don’t complain about people not reaching out to you, if you’re not reaching out to them. Some examples:
Said Elaine L. Jack: “A lot of women speak to me about how lonely they are. … I generally suggest that they think about how many hands they have held in the last week. I don't presume that going from person to person in the spirit of service conquers all of our problems. But I know from my own experience that doing for others often puts life in a clearer perspective. It reminds us that our individual circumstances are not the only set of circumstances in the whole world or even in the dorm. Reaching out to someone else can help us shake loose some of our own inwardness. It can let us be part of the solution to problems, rather than the creation of them.”
And Said Elder Cuthbert: A few weeks ago, a brother complained to me, "When I was away on business recently, in another part of the country, I went to church and no one spoke to me. I felt very lonely, especially as I was so far from home." I paused and then asked, "How many people did you speak to?" At first he was a little annoyed, feeling I had not empathized, but then he smiled and said, "You're right, I did hold back instead of reaching out.”
Let’s return to the story of my friend, Rachael, who prayed for a friend—and her prayers were only answered when she became the friend who did the reaching out, when she became the friend she wanted to have.
In conclusion, I want to quote Joseph Smith and give you a couple examples from his life that demonstrates this principle: “It is a time-honored adage that love begets love. Let us pour forth love--show forth our kindness unto all mankind, and the Lord will reward us with everlasting increase; cast our bread upon the waters and we shall receive it after many days, increased to a hundredfold. Friendship is like Brother Turley in his blacksmith shop welding iron to iron; it unites the human family with its happy influence.” [Documentary History of the Church, 5:517]
The rest of my comments come from a talk by Ivan J. Barrett, a religion professor at BYU:
“The Savior, in his inspiring Sermon on the Mount, taught, "Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbor, and hate thine enemy. But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven" (Matthew 5:4345). The Prophet Joseph Smith practiced this most difficult of all the Savior's teachings. …
“After being kidnapped by two sheriffs and brutally treated by them, his life constantly being threatened, the Prophet Joseph was rescued by his friends. Instead of his being escorted across the Mississippi River into Missouri, as the sheriffs intended to do, he was brought to Nauvoo. While in Nauvoo, the prophet took the two sheriffs to his home, placed them at the head of his table, and his wife waited on them as though they were the most honored guests that had ever graced her house. Joseph said, "I have brought these men to Nauvoo, not as prisoners in chains, but as prisoners of kindness. I have treated them kindly. I have had the privilege of returning them good for evil" (Documentary History of the Church, 5:467).
(You can see from this, that Joseph lived the Golden Rule.)
“…When the enemies of the Prophet Joseph were seeking his life during the Nauvoo period, the Prophet was forced to go into hiding, and on one occasion some of his friends visited him. After their departure he wrote, "How good and glorious it has seemed unto me to find pure and holy friends who are faithful, just, and true, and whose hearts fail them not and whose knees are confirmed and do not falter. These I have met in prosperity, and they were my friends, and now I meet them in adversity, and they are still my warmer friends" (Documentary History of the Church, 5:107). The Prophet Joseph sums up most impressively why they were his friends:
“Sectarian priests often asked concerning Joseph, "How can this babbler get so many followers around him and retain them?" The Prophet answered, "It's because I possess the principle of love. All I have to offer the world is a good heart and a good hand” (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, p. 313).
May we be the same kind of friend—and offer our friends a good heart and a good hand—and help them whenever they need help. In short, may we be the kind of friend we want to have.
