What I love about the Book of Psalms is that it is written from the heart. After a long struggle, I’ve decided that rather than use this time to focus on a principle, I wanted to follow David’s example and speak from the heart.
About a month ago, I was having a bad day, so I turned to my scriptures. And I read a verse that really hit my heart and, in this verse, I found the solace I needed that day. Since then, this verse has been lodged in my heart. The verse is 1 Nephi 11:6. In it, an angel says to Nephi: “… Blessed art thou, Nephi, because thou believest in the Son of the most high God … ” When I read that, I could hear the Spirit whisper so strongly, “Blessed are you, Stephen, because you believe in Jesus Christ.”
Whenever I think about that verse, I try to ask myself these questions: “Where would I be if I didn’t have the gospel of Jesus Christ? How has believing in Jesus Christ blessed my life? And what does my testimony of Jesus Christ mean to me?” I’ve spent some time thinking about this, and I want to share my answers with you.
But before I get into those answers, I want to tell you how I came to gain a testimony. It all started in the MTC. Most missionaries are smart enough to gain a testimony before they get to the MTC; I, however, wasn’t that bright. Through an experience I had on the Friday after I arrived in the MTC, which I’ll discuss later, I knew a mission was where I needed to be. But by Monday, I began to realize just how far behind I was—and I knew why. I hadn’t yet had the spiritual confirmation—that burning-in-the-heart testimony. I knew I needed one if I was going to spend the next two years preaching the gospel. So I discussed my situation with my companion, Elder Posey, and he “challenged” me to take Moroni’s promise and pray. So I did. I got down on my knees that night, and I asked God to answer five questions for me: First, I wanted to if God was real; second, I wanted to know if Christ was, in fact, the Redeemer; third, I wanted to know if the Book of Mormon was true; fourth, I wanted to know if Joseph Smith was a prophet of God; and, finally, I wanted to know if Gordon B. Hinckley was God’s prophet on the Earth today. So I asked those five questions, and I stood up and to show you spiritually immature I was, the first thing I thought was “There’s no way! There’s no way He’s going to answer all those questions.” But, by the next night, He had answered—and I had a testimony of all five of those things.
By far, the strongest answer was that Jesus Christ was indeed my Savior. We were in a large group meeting, about 200 missionaries or so, and they showed us “To This End Was I Born.” Now, I should tell you that, looking back on my high school years, I know that the Spirit had tried to give me this testimony before. Yet I would not hear. I shoved the Spirit away a few times because I wanted to be a tough guy; I didn’t want to be one of those strange guys who cried in Church. But this time, I had asked with a sincere heart and with real intent (see Moroni 10:3-5), and, this time, when the Spirit came, I did not shun it, I welcomed it, and I felt my heart burn, and I felt the Spirit so strongly that I was overwhelmed, and it made me cry. I felt a peace I had never felt before—but a peace I have experienced so often since.
The other part of this story is that night, my roommate, Elder Nibarger, got a package from his brother containing all of his old mission materials. And I read through it, and as I read about Joseph Smith and the Book of Mormon, I could just feel my heart catch on fire, and the Spirit burned so strongly in my heart.
The Lord once told Oliver Cowdery: “Verily, verily, I say unto you, if you desire a further witness, cast your mind upon the night that you cried unto me in your heart, that you might know concerning the truth of these things.
“Did I not speak peace to your mind concerning the matter? What greater witness can you have than from God?
“And now, behold, you have received a witness; for if I have told you things which no man knoweth have you not received a witness?” (D&C 6:22-24)
Like Oliver Cowdery, I once cried unto the Lord to know the truth of this work. Like Oliver Cowdery, the Lord answered, speaking peace to my soul through His Spirit. The Spirit is a God; It is part of the Godhead; It is God the Testator, meaning the God which testifies. So I literally was visited by God that day. So what the Lord said to Oliver could apply to me: What greater witness can you have than from God?
Since then, those testimonies have burned in my heart again and again.
I am so grateful for the Spirit. That I am so blessed to have a member of the Godhead with me, to comfort me and to testify to me.
In 2 Corinthians 3:3, the Paul taught the Corinthians that a testimony is “. . . written not with ink, but with the spirit of the living God; not in tables of stone, but in fleshy tables of the heart.” And certainly the Spirit has burned onto my heart a testimony of Jesus Christ. I really just wanted to share with you that my testimony is real. The Spirit has testified to my heart. Whenever a doubt creeps up, I follow the advice the Lord gave Oliver and say, “Did not my heart burn that night? Indeed, it did. And who was it that visited you and told you that these things where true? The Spirit.” And then I’ll remember that line: “What greater witness can you receive than from God?” And remembering that experience in the MTC and the subsequent experiences really do bring me peace.
Now, let’s get back to the three questions.
First, where would I be if I didn’t have the gospel of Jesus Christ?
For me, the question is better asked: Where would I be if I never served a mission? In honest reflections this week, as I have looked back at my life, I see there is a clear line of demarcation between the guy I was when I entered the MTC and the man I was when I left England. Before the mission, I wasn’t a bad kid. But my life was directionless; I had no purpose, no work ethic and no goals. I was just floating through life. I guess that, like so many other things, changed in the MTC—the first time I worked at anything with a purpose. Looking back, I let that testimony I had received change me. For the first time in my life, I had an anchor. Moroni once wrote: “Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God” (Ether 12:4).
With that newfound purpose, some things about me really began to change. It was while I was on the mission that I really gained a love for the gospel, and a love for the scriptures. It was while on the mission that I really learned how to pray. And it was while I was out that there that I learned on the darkest and gloomiest days, the surest path to sunlight is through sincere prayer and cracking open the Book of Mormon. Since then, whenever I face challenges, I am now smart enough to draw closer to God through study and prayer.
When I returned home from my mission, I returned with a strong testimony and a determination to walk the strait-and-narrow. And my life had purpose. I now knew what is what like to set goals, to work toward those goals and realize those goals.
On the mission, I ran into so many people who were without purpose, like I had been—and I saw the sum effect of a lifetime of bad decisions and a lifetime of living without a cause. These people were without an anchor. Of people like them, Mormon said, “But now, behold, they are led about by Satan, even as chaff is driven before the wind, or as a vessel is tossed about upon the waves, without sail or anchor, or without anything wherewith to steer her; and even as she is, so are they” (Mormon 5:18). Their situations reminded me of my own one summer day during my high school years when John Finlinson was driving me to a basketball camp. As he was driving along, he said, “You know, Steve, all I have to do is move the steering wheel like this”—and he pretended to jerk the steering wheel to the left, which would have taken us into oncoming traffic—“and you’d be dead. Think about it, Steve, I have your life in my hands.” It was about then that I lost my testimony of carpooling. I wish I had driven myself. Likewise, these people, because of their bad decisions, no longer had the ability to “drive their vehicle.” They were not in control of their destiny. Indeed, in a real way, they were subjected to another power, a destructive power.
We tried so hard to give these people an anchor; we tried so hard to get them to come unto Christ. Most, sadly, would not. And yet, they were miserable. In those two years, I saw the heartbreaking sadness that accompanies a lifetime of drugs and alcohol and perversions. I saw how those things destroyed families. I saw how those things ruined love. I talked to so many who were so sad, so brokenhearted; I talked to so many whose lives and families were in ruins because they had chosen so foolishly and so unwisely for so long. I’ll never forget the sad cries of one woman, for example, who was overcome by grief because the government had taken away her son because she, due to her drug and alcohol problems, was unfit to raise him. I remember another man, the ex-husband of one of our investigators, who could have still been married to a great woman but he was so critical of her and had such a negative, perverted view of women—a view gained through problems with pornography—that it was obvious he was incapable of love.
They needed a way out of their situations, to regain control of their destiny. Such people knew not where to turn for peace, even though I was sitting there, offering peace to them. Christ could free them. It would be a long, difficult road back. But through his Atonement, they could regain what was lost. We could talk to them and make them feel better for a moment, but they turned their back on the truths that would lead them to a lifetime of happiness.
But I also met people—great people, whom I admired so much—who had done great things with their lives because they had centered their lives on Christ. And, because of their prayers and service to God, and also because of their hard work, they had been blessed, and they had become something remarkable. They had built their lives on the bedrock of the gospel. They did the things that mattered—such as reading scriptures, serving their God and holding family home evening. These people were respected, loved and a credit to the church and their communities. They had strong, close-knit families, and, when you entered their homes, you felt a certain peace. It was a stark contrast to see the happiness that belonged to the Saints of God compared to the sadness of those who chose another path. From those experiences, I decided I wanted to make something of my life. I decided that I wanted to be like the Saints.
Before my mission, I was just wasted potential. In high school, I goofed off and ditched class a lot of the time. But after seeing where that path led, I resolved that I would try to excel at whatever I tried. Perhaps the biggest difference between my pre-mission self and my post-mission self is how I approached my education. I remember sitting down, going over the class catalog for Dixie College, a few months before I enrolled. I set some really lofty goals for myself. And given what I was in high school, I really shouldn’t have been able to meet those goals. But I did. The difference? The difference was the Lord. In the two years I was serving Him, He was blessing me. Through the enabling power of Christ’s Atonement, He was expanding my capabilities. And, as I continued to work toward worthy goals and prayed for his assistance, He once again came and helped me. I went from being wasted potential to having potential realized, and I really am humbled to think how blessed I have been. I feel the same way another RM, Ammon, felt, when he said:
“I do not boast in my own strength, nor in my own wisdom; but behold, my joy is full, yea, my heart is brim with joy, and I will rejoice in my God.
“Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things …” (Alma 26:11-12).
I am amazed just how much the Lord has blessed me. I realize how indebted I am to Him. And I also realize that it is a bill that will never be paid. I spent two years serving Him, and He has blessed me so abundantly. In any honest assessment of my life, I have to agree with what King Benjamin once said, when he was explaining why it is impossible to repay Christ:
“And now, in the first place, he hath created you, and granted unto you your lives, for which ye are indebted unto him.
“And secondly, he doth require that ye should do as he hath commanded you; for which if ye do, he doth immediately bless you; and therefore he hath paid you. And ye are still indebted unto him, and are, and will be, forever and ever; therefore, of what have ye to boast?” (Mosiah 2:23-24).
I can honestly say every good thing I have been able to accomplish in my life since I returned from England is a direct result from my decision to serve a mission. The mission was life-changing, and it will be a lifelong blessing.
Second question: How has believing in Jesus Christ blessed my life?
To me, this question is best answered by what my family is because of the gospel of Jesus Christ. My parents did things right. They married in the temple; they honored one another, and they honored their covenants. Because they have done so, my family will be an eternal family. The eternal family is possible because of Christ’s Atonement. Without His sacrifice, eternity would be impossible for individuals and families. In other words, without Christ’s Atonement, not only would we not be able to return to our Heavenly Father, but the loving relationships we create would not last into the next life. Fortunately, He came, He suffered, He bled and He died so that families that are sealed in the temple and treat each other with honor could last through eternity.
That’s especially meaningful to me because I love my parents, my sisters and my brother so very much, and I never want to part from them. I am so grateful that my parents did things the right way and created a house where there was love.
First, I think that my parents’ decision to have us read the Book of Mormon together as a family is what glued our family together, and made the great relationships I have with my brother and sisters as close as they are.
I was a little surprised last summer when I asked my mom, if her family ever studied the scriptures when she was growing up? “No” she replied.
“Well, did you have family home evening?”
“No.”
“What about family prayer?”
“No.”
I asked my dad the same questions—and he said his family only had family prayer.
“Well, then why did you decide to have to family scripture study, family prayer and family home evening?” I asked.
My dad answered matter-of-factly, “It’s what the prophet asked us to do.” The way he answered the question makes me think that he and my mom didn’t view what the prophet asked them to do as optional.
I’m sure they had difficult times gathering us all together for those things as it always seemed like someone didn’t want to come. But I am glad they persisted and followed the prophet and did the things that unite a family through the Spirit. In other words, my parents’ trust and belief in Jesus Christ created a wonderful family for me to grow up in and be a part of throughout eternity. As I have grown in testimony of the Savior, my love for family has likewise grown—and I believe it has affected the way I treat them. I don’t treat them perfectly, but I do treat them much better than I did before I had testimony because I have come to realize just valuable they are and how blessed I am to have them.
Last Question: What does my testimony of Jesus Christ mean to me?
It means everything. It means that on the darkest days of my life, I have a source of Light to lead me. It means that on the loneliest days of my life, I have a Friend. It means when sin weighs me down, I have a way out. It means when life has kicked me in the shins, I still have hope. It means when I feel as though trials are tossing me to and fro, I have on my side the One who calmed the seas. It means when I feel as I though I am sinking, Christ stands there, arms outstretched, waiting to rescue me. I have come to know that there is nothing that Christ won’t do for me—because He has already done everything for me.
He is my Atoner, my Redeemer, my Savior, my Rescuer. He is my Friend. I have needed His love so often in my life. And I have felt that love. I have needed His Atonement so often in my life, and I have received forgiveness.
I feel to exclaim my gratitude for Him and what He has done for me. I feel as Elder Neal A. Maxwell did when he said: “I thank the Savior for personally bearing all which I added to His hemorrhaging at every pore for all of humanity at Gethsemane. I thank Him for bearing what I added to the decibels of His piercing soul-cry atop Calvary.” I know that Christ suffered not just for me but because of me and the stupid mistakes I have made. I know that somewhere, in Gethsemane and on the cross, he suffered my sins. I will never know how great a price He paid to purchase me with His blood and His life.
But when I study His Atonement, it’s not the suffering I focus on, it’s His motivation to suffer those things—His love. His love for me; His love for us. He volunteered to be my Savior—and when he volunteered, He did so for just one reason: Love. He wanted no honor, no glory for Himself. He just wanted to see me and you return to our Father. What He had to go through, what He had to endure, was horrendous. Just before He made the Atonement, he prayed to the Father and asked if there was another way. There wasn’t. Filled with love for his fellow man, Christ then performed the Atonement—thereby creating our only hope, our only way back. It wasn’t easy. He later told Joseph Smith: “Which suffering caused myself, even God, the greatest of all, to tremble because of pain, and to bleed at every pore, and to suffer both body and spirit—and would that I might not drink the bitter cup, and shrink” (D&C 19:18).
Just as the bread at the sacrament table today was torn and broken, so was His body torn and broken for us. And from that broken, torn body gushed forth His blood, so freely spilt for us. And all this because He loved us. He loved us. As He told Joseph Smith: “For behold, I, God, have suffered these things for all, that they might not suffer if they would repent” (D&C 19:16).
Can you or I doubt His love? He once said, “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13). Indeed, He did lay down his for life for us. Wherefore, can we doubt His love? Satan would have us doubt. But the reality of our testimonies and the many witnesses and experiences we have received of His divine, unmatched love for us should convince otherwise. Christ once spoke to those who doubted His love:
“But, behold, Zion hath said: The Lord hath forsaken me, and my Lord hath forgotten me—but he will show that he hath not.
“For can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? Yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee, O house of Israel.
“Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me” (1 Nephi 21:14-16).
I testify that He knows you. He knows you. He knows who you are, He knows what you are like and He loves you more than you can imagine. He hasn’t forgotten you; in fact, He is near you. I know this is the case with you because it is the case with me. And as He loves you, He loves me. The more I study about His life, the less I want to sin because I do not want to add to what He has suffered for me. Having realized that I was purchased with a price, I want to, out of reverence for what He has done for me, walk His paths more perfectly. I wish I were more successful in keeping the commandments. I wish my life better matched what’s in my heart.
He has created a path for you and for me to return to live with our Heavenly Father. We have the choice—we can walk the path that leads to life eternal and unending happiness or we can roam into the cul-de-sac that dead-ends in misery and bitterness. Fortunately, even the detours we have taken can be overcome.
Because of His atonement, he can rescue us from those dead-ends, and turn those cul-de-sacs into on-ramps onto the strait-and-narrow path, if we have the courage to let His atoning blood be applied to us. He came to Earth to create such a way, and He stands even now with his arms outstretched, ready to welcome back, anyone who is need of repentance. And since we all are, or have been or will be in need of repentance, I want to end with this scripture from the 18th section of the Doctrine and Covenants that will hopefully reminds us just how valued we are by Him:
“Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God;
“For, behold, the Lord your Redeemer suffered death in the flesh; wherefore he suffered the pain of all men, that all men might repent and come unto him.
“And he hath risen again from the dead, that he might bring all men unto him, on conditions of repentance.
“And how great is his joy in the soul that repenteth!”
I want to repeat that last verse: “And how great is his joy in the soul that repenteth!”
Christ takes great joy in us when we choose to repent. He loved us enough to create the way, and now He only hopes that we will use that Atonement to repent and be cleansed in His blood.
Truly, we are all blessed to believe in Jesus Christ. May we become more aware and more grateful for the great blessings He has given each one of us, and the great chance for repentance He gives each of us is my prayer in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.
