For the last five years, I've enjoyed serving as your Supreme Dictator of Earth.
However, I have decided to not seek a second lifetime term. I will fill my first lifetime term, and upon my death, you can feel free to fill the vacancy. I ask that at that time, you not re-elect me to a lifetime term.
This brings up an interesting point.
Because I was not elected in the first place. It was King Arthur who said, "You don't vote for a king." I'm not a king. I'm too powerful, tyrranical and self-absorbed to be a king. So I became a Supreme Dictator.
In fact, I became the Supreme Dictator of Earth, although technically I share the title with Kimball and Drake. Harv is an emeritus dictator, and Drake was, I suppose, an emeritus dictator too, but now he's back. Some maybe I'm not the Supreme Dictator of Earth, but I'm one-third of the Supreme Dictators of Earth.
And really, in my mind, Kimball and Drake are subservient to me. They might argue otherwise, but it doesn't really matter. It's a big world, and it's only controlled by the three of us, so we really don't spend too much time talking to each other--because it would interfere with our plundering, pillaging, dictating, womanizing, threatening and conquering schedules.
With that much to do, there's little time for chess ... let alone arguments about the bureaucratic structure of our dictatorship.
Anyhow, I've digressed. I was telling you how I was not elected.
Well, it was quite simple.
Harv and I were sitting around one day in 1999--near the height of the Lewinsky scandal. When we came across a little-known archaic law that states you can become the Supreme Dictator of Earth, if you send out a letter to the heads of state around the world and say this:
"We are pleased to announce that we will become the Supreme Dictators of Earth on such-and-such date, unless you send a letter back to us, asserting your sovereignty by that date. If such a letter is not received, we will assume you have acquiesced to our request, as silence is compliance."
So we sent this letter back and all but three countries--Kenya, Guam and Nepal--didn't respond.
We figure the rest of the world was so paralyzed by the brouhaha around the Clinton sex scandal and so desirous to find, read and discuss every subtopic of that issue that they just simply forgot to open their mail.
Timing was our forte.
Kenya, Guam and Nepal were subsequently aligned with us through coups d'etat. So there we were, a big world to run and just the two of us to do it. So we added Harv to the lineup. Then Drake. Then Harv resigned because he was in violation of the Dictator's Code, later on Drake resigned--or rather, he, like Harv, was given emeritus status--for a violation similar to Harv's.
Drake has recently been reinstated.
And has subsequently been voted the sexiest man alive. That makes Kimball angry. But he's too busy yelling orders at underlings to really combat Drake's sexiness.
Underlings. They're so fun to yell at. I like the way they jump when you threaten to, say, raze the house.
Hah-hah. Good times, good times.
We have had, of course, some frictions, most notably the Sardonic Sorcerer of Bloomington, Matt Maxwell and his feared yak. This caused a faction, although we, in Amalickiah-like style, convinced Maxwell to appoint Kimball and I subsidiary dictators to the yak when he left to Japan. As seconds-in-command of Maxwell's Kingdom, we then overthrew the yak, placing ourselves in as the Rulers of Bloomington.
And peace was again established in the land.
Two years later, upon learning of our cunning, Maxwell returned from Japan with a band of Samurais, intent on destroying us. Unfortunately, for Maxwell, his band of Sumarais weren't warriors--they were actually Sumarai band members. So instead of assaulting us with swords; they assaulted us with trumpets and flutes.
Needless to say, this was no problem.
As a peace settlement, we gave Maxwell the unruly state of Wisconsin, which is, in fact, a fitting punishment for a ruthless insubordinate.
Since then, there've been no threats to our power. We rule peacefully and well. We adored, admired and never admonished.
We are the best and the brightest. We keep the metric system down. Kilos is illegalos.
We fight against truth, justice and the American way. Instead, we fight for misinformation, higher taxes and the Dictators' way. So in a way, we're like the Democrats ... except in power.
